Friday, May 2, 2014 

Inauspicious start of the day. I walked the pups, after having checked out “dense breasts” on the Internet. My mammogram usually comes back with “heterogeneously dense breasts.” Always been, but of course, now studies are linking this to ca in younger women. I have always had dense breasts, but reading about the studies was nonetheless upsetting. Betty and I laughed about it on the walk with the kids. She has large “fatty breasts,” something we figure I will never achieve. I am a low achiever on the fat score!

Well, Valentino had the runs. Mild case. It’s spring and his renewed diet of long grass is taking its usual toll on him. Upon returning home, I worked on loading the Elfa system into the car for Barb. She’s going to use it to store her scrapbook materials. I am delighted to give it away to someone who is equally delighted to have it and who will use it well. As I was loading the car, mom called. A bit early for her. I didn’t hurry to her bedside, figuring she had heard the garage door and would return to sleep. But she called again. When I reached her, she was obviously distressed. She said, “I think I’m dying.” I assured her we all were, but that her time had not yet come. But she reiterated her fear. I sat and cried with her for a minute or two. The thought of losing my mother was too hard to bear.

I was unaware that she had awakened Rob during the night and told him there was a man in her room. She claimed to have trouble breathing. So I sat her up and called Barb, who is a retired LPN. We sat and talked with mom for a bit. Mom complained of back pain for which I applied heat. I thought caffeine might help, figuring she was suffering from the extraordinarily high pollen counts, as I was. The coffee seemed to do the trick, as did the heating pad.

Rob stayed with mom, while Barb and I went to the gym. By the time I returned home, mom was happily watching television. I showered her and brought her to the breakfast table, where she is now eating her cereal and English muffins. Rob is entertaining her as I write, and she is sounding stronger. I think the heat from the shower and the heating pad helped.

Let’s see what the rest of this day has in store for us!

Well, just now, the doorbell rang. After I settled the chorus of dogs, I opened the door to find a man standing there. He offered to reseal my drive. This was an easy decision. As much as the drive needs it, I don’t have the money for it. So the answer was no. In the kitchen, Rob asked my mother if she would buy me a new driveway. Mom said, “I’ll go half with her. It’s her house, not mine.” Rob concluded that she was feeling just fine thank you! We had a good laugh. Was good to have my mother back!

Later—

Let’s see: On the same day my mother announced that she is dying, Valentino had a set-to with the Skateboarder! This dog did not come out ahead. He is breathlessly pacing my office and crying. Quite a mess! He was drinking too much water in the kitchen. Had to put a stop to that. And he’s already had the runs in the yard. I love Val, but he is the most reactive dog I have ever known! Unfortunately, the Skateboarder knows this, too. Of course, it’s only 7:58 pm, so I doubt he’s drunk yet. Kind of early for a 17-year-old Skateboarder to be drinking. Then again, when I found him last time, it was 6:00 am. Oh deliver us! Better still, deliver him!

God alone knows what the night will bring. Will mom see another “man” in the room? Will she awaken to thoughts of dying? Will she become frightened in the dark? Frankly, I think the pollen count is the real culprit. I myself had trouble sleeping and had to take a Manuka honey lozenge. Had trouble with postnasal drip. Gave mom some homeopathic remedy for sinus problems. Hope it helps some. Can hardly expect her to use a neti pot. Oh my. The day was more complicated that it might have been.

Thursday, May 1, 2104 

Business as usual. Betty and I walked the pups. I fed them, and cleaned their bowls. Then off to pick up Rob at Precision Auto, where Bluto will undergo diagnostic testing! Rearranged my schedule once again to accommodate work—blessed work! Will be taking LW to the oral surgeon next week instead of today. Chapter due in client’s inbox EOD today.

Doing a virus scan on my iMac. Received an invitation to join a friend’s Facebook, but we are already friends. Someone hacked her Facebook. So annoying. I don’t keep personal information on my Facebook and have closed the account down several times. Too intrusive.

Sun is almost out. Redbud is doing its best. Pups are asleep. Spoke with G yesterday about removing a tree. Too late. It’s too big. So we will keep it pruned. As for all the replacement trees I bought for it over the past 4 years when G did not come to remove the offending tree, I need to figure out a garden plan so that they are not peppered all over my yard in helter-skelter fashion.

Mom is in the kitchen with Rob. I am in my office. She will ask several times where I am, having no clue where my office is. (It’s next to her bedroom.) Mom is doing her word search puzzles. Her current puzzle is a doozie! Chockablock full of acronyms of radio and television stations all beginning with K! But she is doing a creditable job.

Back to work for me. Chapter 4 is due tonight. Don’t know if I will be able to escape to an early dinner with Carol, but I will try.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014 

Torrential rains today. Yet, I ran errands. Part of needing to get out and into the fresh/moist air. Work did not come in today, which freed me up for the more mundane tasks that needed to accomplish. 

It is early evening now, and mom had begun her serial trips to the bathroom. Thus far, I have counted two in as many minutes. Later the number of trips and time between them will accelerate and shorten. 

I am now listening to The Cathedral Singers doing Catholic Latin classics. First download from Amazon. Normally, I just download onto my iTunes. Quite nice. Also ordered the CD for use in my car and on the CD player. I am brought back to why I wanted to enter the convent. There is no more healing or uplifting music. I can almost smell the incense.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014 

Canceled our trip to Longwood Gardens today. Mary, Kathy, and I were to go. (They are long-time friends of my sister-in-law. Now they are also my friends–one of the best gifts my sister-in-law ever gave me!) Heavy rains predicted. Our trip will be postponed, and we will look forward to yet another time together. 

Plants out there are screaming for warmth and sun. I might have lost my large Endless Summer hydrangea—the one by the back porch. I have about 13 or 15 different hydrangeas. All suffered through this harsh winter. If the beautiful bloomer by the back porch doesn’t make it, I will be working hard to dig it out and then replace it—with another hydrangea, of course. I cut back quite a few of the hydrangeas nearly down to the ground. There are signs of growth with some of them. The heartiest appear to be Strawberry Vanilla and Quick Fire, accounting for 6 of my hydrangeas. Itea Little Henry also suffered. We wait. We’ll see. 

Have walked the pups and fed them. Fortunate to have been able to go out before the rain. Mom is still asleep. She craves attention so much, but when I am working, I need quiet, uninterrupted quiet. It’s so hard not to get angry when she calls for some miniscule reason. But then, to her, it is not miniscule. It is earth shattering, upsetting, a call for companionship, a call for help, a call for solace. She is a child now, no longer able to do for herself what she was able to do for years. Perhaps she no longer recalls having done things for herself. Perhaps she is unaware of the loss. I don’t know. She sometimes does say, “What would I do without you?” I know she is grateful, but she is also lonely and too often afraid.

Later—

Particularly heavy workload today, and mom has been to the bathroom around 7 times in the past 5 minutes. She doesn’t recall going, and says she hasn’t been to the bathroom all day. The constant interruptions lengthened the course of my work. I had to keep going over it to be sure I had not missed anything. And yet, I feel terrible for being upset with her. Thought occurred that she might have a bladder infection, yet again. Then again, she might just not be emptying properly. She sits for only a second or two. I made her stand and sit again, thinking it might shift her bladder just a bit. All to no avail. 

It’s getting late and I still have work to get out. Here’s hoping I can do it with minimal interruptions. (But this is my mother, who might not even be here tomorrow! How can I be so… I don’t even know what it is I am being anymore!)

Saturday, April 26, 2014 

Long day yesterday. Walked the pups as usual with Betty; fed them; went to the gym, Sam’s Club for mom’s supplies, the gas station, the bank, and then market to pick up my raw milk and a few other things. Sat with my friend RB at market for a few minutes to say hello before heading back home to take care of mom. Long morning would presage a much longer day. 

Received a phone call from T about my patient in Pottstown. Apparently L fell out of bed and was untended for a few minutes the night before. She has not been the same since and no longer screams in anger, but attempts to scream in pain. Had an medical appointment I could not break. Plan was to return to Pottstown and see to L. Made the necessary arrangements and phone calls. Mia, head CNA on the case, will meet me there. Hours later, I arrived in Pottstown. L did not look or sound well. Alerted her son we must call 911, and so we were off. Long night at the hospital, pouring rain. L’s son does not tolerate electro-magnetic fields (EMFs) well. Is seeking to build something, somewhere where he can escape them. Apparently, Maine, Maryland, and California are the only states left where you can do this. He is thinking of Maryland. I am thinking his glory will be short-lived. 

X-rays normal. Son refused a CT scan—for obvious reasons (mother also does not like EMFs, but mother is seriously demented at 96 years old and cannot make any decisions for herself; although, she repeatedly says she wants to die. For some reason, she is being made to stay around.) Took a supper break at Cheryl’s, returned to the hospital. It was now pouring rain. Long, dark drive home ahead of me. Hoping mom and pups are OK and that Rob is not too burdened. 

Got home at 11:30 pm. Will be following up with patient later this morning, taking the pups for a walk, feeding them, starting my day all over again.