Tuesday, April 29, 2014 

Canceled our trip to Longwood Gardens today. Mary, Kathy, and I were to go. (They are long-time friends of my sister-in-law. Now they are also my friends–one of the best gifts my sister-in-law ever gave me!) Heavy rains predicted. Our trip will be postponed, and we will look forward to yet another time together. 

Plants out there are screaming for warmth and sun. I might have lost my large Endless Summer hydrangea—the one by the back porch. I have about 13 or 15 different hydrangeas. All suffered through this harsh winter. If the beautiful bloomer by the back porch doesn’t make it, I will be working hard to dig it out and then replace it—with another hydrangea, of course. I cut back quite a few of the hydrangeas nearly down to the ground. There are signs of growth with some of them. The heartiest appear to be Strawberry Vanilla and Quick Fire, accounting for 6 of my hydrangeas. Itea Little Henry also suffered. We wait. We’ll see. 

Have walked the pups and fed them. Fortunate to have been able to go out before the rain. Mom is still asleep. She craves attention so much, but when I am working, I need quiet, uninterrupted quiet. It’s so hard not to get angry when she calls for some miniscule reason. But then, to her, it is not miniscule. It is earth shattering, upsetting, a call for companionship, a call for help, a call for solace. She is a child now, no longer able to do for herself what she was able to do for years. Perhaps she no longer recalls having done things for herself. Perhaps she is unaware of the loss. I don’t know. She sometimes does say, “What would I do without you?” I know she is grateful, but she is also lonely and too often afraid.

 

Later—

Particularly heavy workload today, and mom has been to the bathroom around 7 times in the past 5 minutes. She doesn’t recall going, and says she hasn’t been to the bathroom all day. The constant interruptions lengthened the course of my work. I had to keep going over it to be sure I had not missed anything. And yet, I feel terrible for being upset with her. Thought occurred that she might have a bladder infection, yet again. Then again, she might just not be emptying properly. She sits for only a second or two. I made her stand and sit again, thinking it might shift her bladder just a bit. All to no avail. 

It’s getting late and I still have work to get out. Here’s hoping I can do it with minimal interruptions. (But this is my mother, who might not even be here tomorrow! How can I be so… I don’t even know what it is I am being anymore!)