Tuesday, May 6, 2014 

Still waiting for work to come in. So I am taking advantage of the freedom and planting my flowers. Still quite cold out there, but I am chancing it. My two new Cornelias (hybrid musk roses) came in. They were the same roses that graced our fence in NJ. Here, I have another variety, Lavender Lady. But I missed Cornelia and had to introduce her to this land.

Went to the garden center early. Bought top soil and grass seed and potting soil. Pots are filled with herbs. (Can’t plant them in the garden. Rabbits too numerous.) Holes where I dug up and moved other plants have been filled with top soil and overseeded.

All the while, I wondered if mom were up. Finally, Rob called out the window: Your mother is getting up. I thought I would finish what I was doing and deal with mom later. When I came in, she was having breakfast.

Where were you?
Outside, gardening.
Really? Is it cold outside?
No, mom.
It looks cold. I’m cold. 

And so it goes on. I opened the windows to air out her room, but it was still too chilly and quickly chilled the entire floor. Work coming in on Friday, and as luck will probably have it, so will the other job I have been waiting for.

Ann, mom’s former caregiver, called. We chatted for a while, and Ann was sorry mom seems on the decline. But mom is really doing quite well. Mom is up to 98 lbs, while her sister Rose is down to 71 lbs. Mom doesn’t mind showers as much as she used to when she first came here. Getting her to shower was a battle at first. She was using Rose’s method: crying. But it didn’t work. So now she goes in obediently and appreciates the feeling of the water on her back.

Just gave her a shower and dressed her, but mom was really reluctant.

Why do I have to get dressed?
Because I want to take your photo outside with the spring flowers.
Oh, I don’t want to go.
Why not? You’ll be fine. Then we’ll come right back inside.

So out we went. Mom was really terrified and asked me to hold onto her. She is not used to walking on grass and didn’t want to stand alone. But I assured her I would only take a few photos and that would be it.

The photos were not exactly successful. She looked afraid and insecure. So whose need was I filling. My own, I suppose. I wanted a photo of mom with the beautiful pink azalea. But there’s mom looking like a scared child, barely able to smile.

She’s back to the safety of her room, watching television and sitting on the rocker. Perhaps I think of it as a limited life, but to her, it’s all she wants and all she needs at this time. I am brought back to the moment years ago when I told a friend that my mother doesn’t do anything. She doesn’t know an instrument or another language, doesn’t read, and doesn’t even play tennis. All she does, I said, was housework. My friend said, Well, maybe housework is her tennis. And now, maybe the rocker and the TV, her word search puzzles, and a few cookies from time to time are her life.

Later—

Just back from walking the pups with Aunt Betty. Mom called almost immediately.

Rob!
He’s not here mother.
Where is he?
I don’t know.
Well, when are we going?
We’re not going anywhere.
Well, I thought… Why did I have to get dressed.
We already went outside to take your picture.

[Blank stare]

Sandy!
What mom?
How do you turn this off?
What mom?
The television.
Why do you want to turn it off?
We’re going out.
No, mom. We were just outside before I took the pups for a walk.
I took your photo.

Sandy!
What mom?
Where is everybody?
Well, I am in here and Rob is outside. Why don’t you go watch TV.
I don’t want to watch TV alone. I’ll sit in the living room. Is anyone in there?
No mom. I am in here and Rob is outside.

And so it goes. Day after day, after very long days.