Monday, June 22, 2015 

Yesterday, mom sat at the kitchen counter and asked what the Word Search book was all about. She denied ever having seen it and had no knowledge of ever finding a word in it. The book before her was her fourth or fifth in 2 years. As much as I understand that she really does not remember, I have serious trouble putting it to rest. I want her to remember. I want her to realize that she herself had circled all the words. I want her back to wholeness. But my wishing or hoping anything will not change a thing. Such is the heartbreak of having a parent with dementia.

Then, of course, you wonder whether you, too, will wind up not knowing a thing and requiring someone to help you with your toileting, with every daily task. So you read, you study, you practice, you do what you can to hone your mind, your memory. And you wonder: Will all the plants I know by their Latin names be lost to me someday? Will all the music I know and love remain in my heart and in my memory bank and on my fingertips? Will all the languages I have studied lurk somewhere in my soul or will I lose all ability and be stuck knowing the one language for which I have the least amount of vocabulary? The only thing to do is to STOP THE MENTAL PATTER!

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.