Uncategorized

Being Alone, Sleeping Alone

Monday, May 5, 2014 

Awoke early to walk the pups. Betty and I complained about the high winds. Where are they coming from? Still, I am gardening. At least until the work pours in again. Had to run to the eye doctor for a checkup. Worried that mom would awake before I got home. She had. No damage done. I showered her as soon as she finished her breakfast.

Every time I heard someone at the bathroom door, I rushed over. It was Rob each time. He was at the basement door, then the bathroom door, then the cupboard. Each time, I interrupted my work to check.

 

Spent time on Jake’s book today. Had to do some heavy checking. Everything was fine. We thought several passages were missing. They had just been highly edited and obscurely placed.

Mom called throughout the day, each time causing me to stop my Japanese CDs.

Kuruma ga ugokanai desu.
Sandy?
(Stop the CD, go into her room) Everything OK, mom?
Yes, where is everybody. I didn’t see Rob all day.
He made you breakfast and coffee this morning and sat with you.
Oh yeah. I know.
Busu de wa…
Sandy?
Stop CD, go into her room) Yes, mom?
What are you doing?
Working, mom.
Won’t you sit with me?
I can’t mom. I have to work.
Where are you?
In my office. Right behind this wall.
Oh yeah. That’s right.
Rai shu tenisu ga dekimasu ka?
Sandy?
(Stop CD, go into her room) What mom?
Where is everybody? I didn’t see anybody all day?
Well, I bathed you a little while ago. And I brought you chocolates.
Oh yeah.

This went on for a while. I made mom some lunch, then showered her again. Brought her something cold to drink. Feeling bad. Missed the gym today. Need to go tomorrow definitely.

Back to my CDs. Working my way through inch by inch or is it minute by minute. I even dream in Japanese. Well, sort of. I dream of words and phrases and cannot figure out what they mean. But sometimes I add Japanese words and phrases in conversation with non-Japanese figures in my dream. Either way, conversation is not really possible. But it’s fun.

Sandy?
What mom?
What are you doing?
No much, mom.
Oh. Won’t you sleep with me.
No, mom. You need to sleep by yourself. You’ll be more comfortable that way.
Oh no. My bed is so big. (It’s a twin.)
No, mom. It’s a small bed and there isn’t room enough for both of us.
But I can move over.
No, mom.

It’s tough being firm. But there is no other way. I made the mistake only once of saying I would sleep with her, thinking she would not remember. But she did and clung to it all day long. When I didn’t join her at night, she protested: But you said you would. Selective memory. She knows what she wants. But this would not be good. I recall the story from the dementia meeting at Rittenhouse, where a daughter slept with her mother every night. She eventually moved her mother to a nursing home, but could not keep her mother there. The mother would stay up all night long and cry because she missed sleeping with her daughter. Dangerous move it turns out.

Death by Spoon

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Mom awoke early this morning, but I coaxed her back in bed. She’s up now and eating breakfast, after having asked the usual questions: What time is it? Where is Rob? Is he still sleeping?

I have showered her, cleaned the bathroom, dressed her, and prepared her bowl of cereal. She is ready for the day, such as it is: word search puzzles and television. I wish I could move her onto the porch but she refuses. Mom is in the kitchen now, beating her Cheerios to death. Rob once jokingly said she thinks they are little people and has to club them before she eats them. It actually sounds as though she is cutting them into little pieces. Her eyesight is good enough for the puzzles; so that cannot be the problem.

But at least mom is showered and I am airing her room. If she were aware that her bedroom windows were wide opened, she would protest mightily. Mom has always been a windows-closed, shades-down kind of woman: no air, no light. The love of darkness and airlessness does not pertain in this household, much to mother’s dismay.

(Mom is calling. Just a minute.)
Where were you? Were you in your office again?
Yes, mom. What do you need?
I don’t even have a Kleenex.
(I gave mom a napkin.)
Thanks, Sandy. Are you going in your office again?
Yes, mom.

Of course, I feel guilty even sitting here and typing this. Mom wants company. Is that too much to ask? But mom wants company all day long. Yesterday, I spent half the day cleaning out the garden beds, digging, and moving and planting the heartier plants. I have a garden, work, a household, a life, and a mother who needs full-time attention. More than anything, she wants someone to sleep with her. She is afraid of the nighttime. I left the light on the other night at her request, but she turned it off during the night.

Those Cheerios are surely all dead by now!

 

 

Fear of Dying

Friday, May 2, 2014 

Inauspicious start of the day. I walked the pups, after having checked out “dense breasts” on the Internet. My mammogram usually comes back with “heterogeneously dense breasts.” Always been, but of course, now studies are linking this to ca in younger women. I have always had dense breasts, but reading about the studies was nonetheless upsetting. Betty and I laughed about it on the walk with the kids. She has large “fatty breasts,” something we figure I will never achieve. I am a low achiever on the fat score!

Well, Valentino had the runs. Mild case. It’s spring and his renewed diet of long grass is taking its usual toll on him. Upon returning home, I worked on loading the Elfa system into the car for Barb. She’s going to use it to store her scrapbook materials. I am delighted to give it away to someone who is equally delighted to have it and who will use it well. As I was loading the car, mom called. A bit early for her. I didn’t hurry to her bedside, figuring she had heard the garage door and would return to sleep. But she called again. When I reached her, she was obviously distressed. She said, “I think I’m dying.” I assured her we all were, but that her time had not yet come. But she reiterated her fear. I sat and cried with her for a minute or two. The thought of losing my mother was too hard to bear.

I was unaware that she had awakened Rob during the night and told him there was a man in her room. She claimed to have trouble breathing. So I sat her up and called Barb, who is a retired LPN. We sat and talked with mom for a bit. Mom complained of back pain for which I applied heat. I thought caffeine might help, figuring she was suffering from the extraordinarily high pollen counts, as I was. The coffee seemed to do the trick, as did the heating pad.

Rob stayed with mom, while Barb and I went to the gym. By the time I returned home, mom was happily watching television. I showered her and brought her to the breakfast table, where she is now eating her cereal and English muffins. Rob is entertaining her as I write, and she is sounding stronger. I think the heat from the shower and the heating pad helped.

Let’s see what the rest of this day has in store for us!

Well, just now, the doorbell rang. After I settled the chorus of dogs, I opened the door to find a man standing there. He offered to reseal my drive. This was an easy decision. As much as the drive needs it, I don’t have the money for it. So the answer was no. In the kitchen, Rob asked my mother if she would buy me a new driveway. Mom said, “I’ll go half with her. It’s her house, not mine.” Rob concluded that she was feeling just fine thank you! We had a good laugh. Was good to have my mother back!

 

Later—

Let’s see: On the same day my mother announced that she is dying, Valentino had a set-to with the Skateboarder! This dog did not come out ahead. He is breathlessly pacing my office and crying. Quite a mess! He was drinking too much water in the kitchen. Had to put a stop to that. And he’s already had the runs in the yard. I love Val, but he is the most reactive dog I have ever known! Unfortunately, the Skateboarder knows this, too. Of course, it’s only 7:58 pm, so I doubt he’s drunk yet. Kind of early for a 17-year-old Skateboarder to be drinking. Then again, when I found him last time, it was 6:00 am. Oh deliver us! Better still, deliver him!

God alone knows what the night will bring. Will mom see another “man” in the room? Will she awaken to thoughts of dying? Will she become frightened in the dark? Frankly, I think the pollen count is the real culprit. I myself had trouble sleeping and had to take a Manuka honey lozenge. Had trouble with postnasal drip. Gave mom some homeopathic remedy for sinus problems. Hope it helps some. Can hardly expect her to use a neti pot. Oh my. The day was more complicated that it might have been.

 

M’aider!

Thursday, May 1, 2104 

Business as usual. Betty and I walked the pups. I fed them, and cleaned their bowls. Then off to pick up Rob at Precision Auto, where Bluto will undergo diagnostic testing! Rearranged my schedule once again to accommodate work—blessed work! Will be taking LW to the oral surgeon next week instead of today. Chapter due in client’s inbox EOD today.

Doing a virus scan on my iMac. Received an invitation to join a friend’s Facebook, but we are already friends. Someone hacked her Facebook. So annoying. I don’t keep personal information on my Facebook and have closed the account down several times. Too intrusive.

Sun is almost out. Redbud is doing its best. Pups are asleep. Spoke with G yesterday about removing a tree. Too late. It’s too big. So we will keep it pruned. As for all the replacement trees I bought for it over the past 4 years when G did not come to remove the offending tree, I need to figure out a garden plan so that they are not peppered all over my yard in helter-skelter fashion.

Mom is in the kitchen with Rob. I am in my office. She will ask several times where I am, having no clue where my office is. (It’s next to her bedroom.) Mom is doing her word search puzzles. Her current puzzle is a doozie! Chockablock full of acronyms of radio and television stations all beginning with K! But she is doing a creditable job.

Back to work for me. Chapter 4 is due tonight. Don’t know if I will be able to escape to an early dinner with Carol, but I will try.

 

Rainy Day

Wednesday, April 30, 2014 

Torrential rains today. Yet, I ran errands. Part of needing to get out and into the fresh/moist air. Work did not come in today, which freed me up for the more mundane tasks that needed to accomplish. 

It is early evening now, and mom had begun her serial trips to the bathroom. Thus far, I have counted two in as many minutes. Later the number of trips and time between them will accelerate and shorten. 

I am now listening to The Cathedral Singers doing Catholic Latin classics. First download from Amazon. Normally, I just download onto my iTunes. Quite nice. Also ordered the CD for use in my car and on the CD player. I am brought back to why I wanted to enter the convent. There is no more healing or uplifting music. I can almost smell the incense.

 

 

Interruptions

Tuesday, April 29, 2014 

Canceled our trip to Longwood Gardens today. Mary, Kathy, and I were to go. (They are long-time friends of my sister-in-law. Now they are also my friends–one of the best gifts my sister-in-law ever gave me!) Heavy rains predicted. Our trip will be postponed, and we will look forward to yet another time together. 

Plants out there are screaming for warmth and sun. I might have lost my large Endless Summer hydrangea—the one by the back porch. I have about 13 or 15 different hydrangeas. All suffered through this harsh winter. If the beautiful bloomer by the back porch doesn’t make it, I will be working hard to dig it out and then replace it—with another hydrangea, of course. I cut back quite a few of the hydrangeas nearly down to the ground. There are signs of growth with some of them. The heartiest appear to be Strawberry Vanilla and Quick Fire, accounting for 6 of my hydrangeas. Itea Little Henry also suffered. We wait. We’ll see. 

Have walked the pups and fed them. Fortunate to have been able to go out before the rain. Mom is still asleep. She craves attention so much, but when I am working, I need quiet, uninterrupted quiet. It’s so hard not to get angry when she calls for some miniscule reason. But then, to her, it is not miniscule. It is earth shattering, upsetting, a call for companionship, a call for help, a call for solace. She is a child now, no longer able to do for herself what she was able to do for years. Perhaps she no longer recalls having done things for herself. Perhaps she is unaware of the loss. I don’t know. She sometimes does say, “What would I do without you?” I know she is grateful, but she is also lonely and too often afraid.

 

Later—

Particularly heavy workload today, and mom has been to the bathroom around 7 times in the past 5 minutes. She doesn’t recall going, and says she hasn’t been to the bathroom all day. The constant interruptions lengthened the course of my work. I had to keep going over it to be sure I had not missed anything. And yet, I feel terrible for being upset with her. Thought occurred that she might have a bladder infection, yet again. Then again, she might just not be emptying properly. She sits for only a second or two. I made her stand and sit again, thinking it might shift her bladder just a bit. All to no avail. 

It’s getting late and I still have work to get out. Here’s hoping I can do it with minimal interruptions. (But this is my mother, who might not even be here tomorrow! How can I be so… I don’t even know what it is I am being anymore!)

 

Coping

Monday, April 28, 2014

Tired today from all the gardening. So I took the morning off from the gym. I should not have. I needed to get away and walk 10 miles! Had a boatload of editing to do, and mom was in rare form. So was Valentino. Seems every dog in the neighborhood, every motorcyle in Pennsylvania, every UPS truck in the world, and every mail truck in the Universe passed my door today. Val is in here with me now. Door is closed. And Lucy is asleep. I am worried about her. More teeth seem to be going the way of all flesh, and I am concerned about providing dental care for her and having her undergo anesthesia.

Mom called at least 10,000 times. She needed tissues, her blanket, the channel changed. She needed something to drink and made, oh, maybe a half dozen trips to the bathroom inside of 10 minutes. She wanted me to sleep with her and stay with her. She wanted me to know that the phone was ringing and that Valentino was barking (actually, that Some dog outside is barking). It was Valentino and he was at the 2-dog window.

More work came in—for which I am eternally grateful. By the same token, I need an environment conducive to working. And today was not it. I managed to get through a manuscript for the third time. The client noted that I had missed two questions. I was horrified. Of course, using page-down and page-up can cause misses. Worse than that, having mom call you continually, stopping to save your work, or losing your work when the dense file freezes are now all part of the game.

I love my work. And I love my solitude while I work, which is why I work at home. But the solitude part is harder and harder to come by. Still, I wouldn’t change much. Just need more cooperation from all the disturbing parties. Yet, I know this is something that I will not receive. I just have to cope.

 

Sit with me

Sunday, April 27, 2014 

Quite a Saturday night we spent. Went to the Reading Symphony. Ruth came over to tend to mom while we were gone. When she first walked in, I wondered how she would do. Ruth is a feisty farm girl (and I mean that wholeheartedly) in her 80s, “who’s seen it all!” I wondered if she could pick up mom if she fell or if she herself would need help. No need to worry. Ruth had been around the block a few times and took over, while Rob and I dressed. Mom had had an explosive event just a few minutes before. In fact, she was just getting out of the shower when Ruth arrived. I forbade any further food until we got home. Didn’t want Ruth to deal with what’s going on internally. I know the cleanup routine and didn’t want to put her through it, too.

We arrived at the symphony in time to hear the end of the opening remarks and just as the conductor was walking out. Interesting night. Far better than I had expected. I am not a fan of the Russians (with the exception of Prokofiev). Opened with Glinka Overture to Russlan and Ludmilla (which I do fancy). Then the Prokofiev piano concerto no. 3 in C major. The Youth Orchestra (how I applaud their effort) did a creditable job on the Rossini overture to L’Italiana in Algeri. The pièce de résistance was the Tchaikovsky, As Rob noted, if he had been German, it would have ended with the Allegro molto vivace instead of the Adagio lamentoso. Even I—pianist and musicologist—applauded at the close of the Allegro. Couldn’t help myself. It was brilliant and fun! The percussion section was having a blast (or so I hope).

But even with thoughts of the symphony, I awoke thinking of Margie’s death. I awoke each morning as I do thinking about death. Tchaikovsky died of cholera—possibly self-induced—only two weeks after the premier of this symphony. Would I awake to find Lucy and Valentino OK? Would mom be fine? Is Rob fine? I live and sleep on the edge. I know how finite this life is. Margie’s death was one of the most immediate reminders. (That’s one of the reasons I bought the BlueStar stove—one of my favorite toys! And it’s one of the reasons why I had the basement organized within an inch of its life—although a basement can never be fully organized. Not while there are two or more people in a household.) I think also of Susan and Gary, who were taken by the same ruthless brain tumor. I think of my brother, who now owns a Maserati and sports the Italian flag as a tattoo. (Of course, he never told me. Cousins call with the latest information.) I think these are his BlueStar stove. We all have our toys. We know our time here is limited. So why not? I continue to study Japanese, using the Pimsleur Method. I love being able to study while I am driving. The night before last, I even dreamt about moshi yokereba (if you would like). In the dream, I was desperate to know what it meant. Can’t say my dream was in Japanese, but the language does invade in small ways from time to time.

Pups are still outside and Rob just got up. I can hear mom breathing softly in the next room. All is well this morning.

Later—

Loads of gardening later (beautiful day), received some work from a client abroad. Trying to meet a deadline. Mom is calling continuously. Valentino is barking because the boy across the street—who, by the way, was as drunk as a skunk the other day and addressed me as “dude”—is out on his darned skateboard.

Why is he barking?
It’s nothing, mom. Go watch television? Valentino, get in here!
Where’s Rob?
Outside mowing the lawn.
Can I sit with you?
No mom, I‘m working. I have a deadline to meet.
Oh. I thought…
No mom. It’s OK. Go watch TV.
Why is the dog barking?
Valentino! It’s nothing, mom. He’s OK. Ignore him. Get in here, Val!
I’m going back to work now, mom.

Back to work. Valentino is in my office. The boy is outside with his skateboard and with any luck, he will avoid the cars or they will attempt to avoid him. I surely hope he isn’t drunk on a Sunday afternoon, or ever again! Mom is watching television. Rob is still mowing the lawn. I am going back to work!

 

Long day

Saturday, April 26, 2014 

Long day yesterday. Walked the pups as usual with Betty; fed them; went to the gym, Sam’s Club for mom’s supplies, the gas station, the bank, and then market to pick up my raw milk and a few other things. Sat with my friend RB at market for a few minutes to say hello before heading back home to take care of mom. Long morning would presage a much longer day. 

Received a phone call from T about my patient in Pottstown. Apparently L fell out of bed and was untended for a few minutes the night before. She has not been the same since and no longer screams in anger, but attempts to scream in pain. Had an medical appointment I could not break. Plan was to return to Pottstown and see to L. Made the necessary arrangements and phone calls. Mia, head CNA on the case, will meet me there. Hours later, I arrived in Pottstown. L did not look or sound well. Alerted her son we must call 911, and so we were off. Long night at the hospital, pouring rain. L’s son does not tolerate electro-magnetic fields (EMFs) well. Is seeking to build something, somewhere where he can escape them. Apparently, Maine, Maryland, and California are the only states left where you can do this. He is thinking of Maryland. I am thinking his glory will be short-lived. 

X-rays normal. Son refused a CT scan—for obvious reasons (mother also does not like EMFs, but mother is seriously demented at 96 years old and cannot make any decisions for herself; although, she repeatedly says she wants to die. For some reason, she is being made to stay around.) Took a supper break at Cheryl’s, returned to the hospital. It was now pouring rain. Long, dark drive home ahead of me. Hoping mom and pups are OK and that Rob is not too burdened. 

Got home at 11:30 pm. Will be following up with patient later this morning, taking the pups for a walk, feeding them, starting my day all over again.

 

 

Not much rest

Wednesday, April 23, 2014 

Cold and windy again today. Walked the pups and fed them, then off to the gym with B and to see M. at the hand therapy office, where I recommended ever-blooming roses as new foundation plantings. Red ones! Should look wonderful. The building needs a spot of color and the roses will hold up under the sun and summer heat on Penn Ave. Back home for breakfast and to meet the Sears serviceman, who is coming to check out the clothes dryer.

Finished cleaning up the basement after the waterproofing and shelving and installation of the new hot water heater. After the serviceman left, I decided to look into new wood stoves as an alternate fuel source in case we lose power. I love researching new things. Spoke with two companies today and have a little footwork to do.

Dogs are asleep now and mom is watching television. Fortunately, I can turn the sound off. She can’t hear it anyhow and watches subtitles for the hearing impaired. Awaiting word from M.T. on work I handed in two days ago. Good to have time off. Hit my foot twice today down the basement. It’s swollen now, so I am going to sit with my feet up for a while. Too windy to work outside and far too cold still to plant anything. Barb, Jerry, (local) Nancy, and I went to Black Rock Garden Center and had a blast. We figure, we all bought enough to pay their bills for the month. Can’t wait to prepare my planters, replace the plants that didn’t make it through the winter, and bring some to this still bleak landscape.

Nancy sent a photo of herself enjoying some sunshine vitamin D. I sent this photo. No vitamin D here and very high winds.

Image

Right now, I am enjoying some dark chocolate from Nuts.com. (Dark chocolate raises the metabolism and helps you lose weight! J) Anyhow, I have dark chocolate covered raisins, dark chocolate coconut haystacks, dark chocolate covered walnuts, and dark chocolate covered orange peel. My gift (they always send a gift along) was dark chocolate covered almonds. I am in pig heaven. Share some with mom, too. Such a gloomy, windy day. The chocolate helps immeasurably!

 

Later—

Fell asleep on the couch with Valentino while I was reading a book on Kindle.

Sandy! (Mom was standing there watching me from the bathroom door. Her third trip in as many minutes.)
What mom?
What are you doing? Sleeping?
Yes, mom. I fell asleep while reading.
Oh. Do you want to sleep with me?
No, mom.
Oh. I’m going in here (walking toward the kitchen). Where should I go? Oh. I’ll go back to my room.
OK, mom.

Not much rest for the weary. Need some sunshine vitamin D! Wind is still howling. Am watching my star magnolia sway wildly and my redbud tree, nearly in bloom. The flowers are not falling gracefully. They are getting brown and dying far too soon. Not sure if we will take our walk in the morning. Betty will call and we’ll make the decision then. I will sneak out with the pups, as usual. Return and feed them, and then awaken mom. And my day will begin anew.